"NSFW" - Not Safe for Work
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JAnewbies
An out of work piano player applies for a job one day at a local lounge. The manager asks what type of songs do you play, to which he replies, all originals, I write my own stuff.
The manager says well, let's here what ya got. The man starts playing and the most beautiful melody begins to rise from the piano. The manager, highly impressed at what he hears, stops the man and says "what do you call this one"... the man says "this one's called, grab her by the hair and shove your dick in her mouth"... Shocked, the manager says, "how bout we hear a different song"...
The man begins to play another equally beautful song. The manager is just amazed at how great this man is and while he is wondering how such a talent is unemployed, he stops him again and asks, "what's the name of this one"... The man replies, "Oh, this one is called "spin her around and fuck her from behind"... The manager just about loses it. He says I'll tell you what sonny... I like your sound and it's obvious that you have talent, so I'm gonna give you the job on one condition... and that condition is that you keep your titles a secret and not tell anyone. The man agrees and starts that night.
That night, as passeby's here the music from the street and wander in, the place is suddenly at full capacity and the tip jar is overflowing. After about an hour of playing, he stands up and announces to the crowd, "folks, I'm gonna take a quick break and I'll be back in 5 minutes." He makes his way to the bathroom and after releiving himself, he turns and starts to leave the bathroom. A guest entering the bathroom as he is leaving stops him and politely says' "hey buddy, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock's hanging out"???
A huge smile comes across the man's face as he excitedly replies... KNOW IT... I WROTE IT!!!
Here's the way I heard it,,,,,,
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please you cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?", the manager says.
"Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed twat, was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt is blind' ..."
"Oh", says the manager, "Err, can you play me another. Something a little less 'lively'?"
"Wanker..", interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end'."
"I see", says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number called 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've sstill got nice jugs'."
"Look", says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little 'racy'. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "Why not?".
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi", she says, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it?!?", says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, "I fucking wrote it !!!"