"We're not swingers, but..." Define Swinging

**CandG** · 05-03-2010, 01:48 AM

I've read a number of posts that start out with, "We're not swingers, but..." This is usually followed by something like, we like to be watched, or we like to have sex with each other but in the same bed with another couple, or we like touching and being sensual with other couples or words to that effect. This raises the question, how is the term "swinger" being defined? I think many people are "swingers" but don't want to admit that they are so they define it as people who swap partners for intercourse. Certainly at that extreme, it is swinging. But the "Lifestyle" is so much bigger than that definition. I think if you have sex in the same bed with another couple, you're swinging. If you touch, fondle, kiss other people while you're having sex with your own partner, you're swinging. If you like to be watched, maybe secretly hoping that it leads to more, you're swinging. I'm not saying this to disparage swinging or people in the Lifestyle because we swing and we're in the Lifestyle even though we don't swap partners for intercourse. I just think people need to be more honest with themselves and if they are, they'll have a lot more fun and be a lot less inhibited. Any thoughts are welcome and I'm open to being persuaded that I'm wrong about this.

**Moorerotic** · 05-03-2010, 02:29 AM

How is this,

Originally Posted by CandG

I think if you have sex in the same bed with another couple, you're swinging.

...or this:

Originally Posted by CandG

If you like to be watched, maybe secretly hoping that it leads to more, you're swinging.

...swinging. That's like saying I thought about my neighbor's wife therefore it's adultery.

**MarineMatt** · 05-03-2010, 08:48 AM

You've also just defined 'soft swinging'

**ColonelPanic** · 05-03-2010, 09:30 AM

I think it's miscommunication and lack of definition. If someone asks you, "are you a swinger" I think many folks, myself included, might interpret that to mean, "Would you like to go back to our room and have sex?" And so the answer is no, because even if they are a swinger in some way, that's not included in their interest area, and they don't want to hurt any feelings.

Maybe someone, somewhere, has a good set of definitions and lingo for this. If so, I'd love to see it, and to have it be more prominently communicated. MarineMatt mentions soft swinger, a term I've heard before, but defined a number of different ways, everything from "only playful in the nude pool" to "everything but intercourse" and who knows how many other definitions it might have. I imagine this might be particularly difficult if a couple only ever does these kinds of things at hedo, and doesn't tell people back home where they go. Their limited exposure to the swinging community only makes it worse.

So, is there a good manual out there for (non-)swingers?

**CandG** · 05-03-2010, 11:15 AM

I think you're making my point. If someone asks if you swing and you say "yes" and nothing more, it's reasonable for them to assume that you full swap and have no limitations. However, "soft swing" is open to lots of interpretations and there are always limitations that vary from couple to couple. When we're asked, we always say yes and then tell them what our limitations are (everything short of intercourse). In this way there are no misunderstandings and hard feelings (you'll pardon the pun) later on. I'm not so sure, though, that, everyone who swings or wants to try it have established their limitations as clearly as we have. Anyone going to Hedo who has any thoughts about getting involved with another couple (or single for that matter) needs to have that discussion BEFORE they go so they're both clear on what their limitations are, if any, and can communicate them to others. At least that's my opinion.

Originally Posted by ColonelPanic

I think it's miscommunication and lack of definition. If someone asks you, "are you a swinger" I think many folks, myself included, might interpret that to mean, "Would you like to go back to our room and have sex?" And so the answer is no, because even if they are a swinger in some way, that's not included in their interest area, and they don't want to hurt any feelings.

Maybe someone, somewhere, has a good set of definitions and lingo for this. If so, I'd love to see it, and to have it be more prominently communicated. MarineMatt mentions soft swinger, a term I've heard before, but defined a number of different ways, everything from "only playful in the nude pool" to "everything but intercourse" and who knows how many other definitions it might have. I imagine this might be particularly difficult if a couple only ever does these kinds of things at hedo, and doesn't tell people back home where they go. Their limited exposure to the swinging community only makes it worse.

So, is there a good manual out there for (non-)swingers?

**luvnlife_az** · 05-03-2010, 12:52 PM

Since I feel some of this may be directed at us (as the wording in the original post sounds alot like things that I have written)....here is where we stand - we like hanging out in the nude, we are a very sexual couple, like having sex whenever - where ever.... I think to a certain extent that sex in public is somewhat eroctic (as long as it does not offend anyone)....although I do like the touch and feel of another woman - we have no real desire to be with another couple (have no issues or problems with those that do, we just don't think it's right for us)....we have discussed this in great detail and each know what the other's comfort zone is.....
so can someone enlighten us and tell us what we are?

**Moorerotic** · 05-03-2010, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by luvnlife_az

Since I feel some of this may be directed at us (as the wording in the original post sounds alot like things that I have written)....here is where we stand - we like hanging out in the nude, we are a very sexual couple, like having sex whenever - where ever.... I think to a certain extent that sex in public is somewhat eroctic (as long as it does not offend anyone)....although I do like the touch and feel of another woman - we have no real desire to be with another couple (have no issues or problems with those that do, we just don't think it's right for us)....we have discussed this in great detail and each know what the other's comfort zone is.....
so can someone enlighten us and tell us what we are?

You are were most very sexual couples end up if they stay together long enough.

**CandG** · 05-03-2010, 03:17 PM

Hi Luvnlife,
I didn't intend for this to be "directed at" anyone. It was just that a posting got me thinking about this. It may have been a posting of yours but I don't recall specifically. But I have read many postings that start out with "We're not swingers but..." My original posting was not meant to be critical in any way. As I said, it got me thinking and I thought it would be a good topic to discuss in this forum. I'm certainly not judging anyone, nor would I. God knows we wouldn't want to be judged for our actions! If what you are into as a couple works for you and doesn't harm anyone else, it's all good and I wish you much more of it. Respect.

Originally Posted by luvnlife_az

Since I feel some of this may be directed at us (as the wording in the original post sounds alot like things that I have written)....here is where we stand - we like hanging out in the nude, we are a very sexual couple, like having sex whenever - where ever.... I think to a certain extent that sex in public is somewhat eroctic (as long as it does not offend anyone)....although I do like the touch and feel of another woman - we have no real desire to be with another couple (have no issues or problems with those that do, we just don't think it's right for us)....we have discussed this in great detail and each know what the other's comfort zone is.....
so can someone enlighten us and tell us what we are?

**jeaniendevildog** · 05-03-2010, 03:18 PM

swinglifestyle.com defines it this way

Tame - Are you interested in tame pleasures such as meeting others at a nude beach, or same room sex, but with your own partner? Things such as these?

Moderate (soft swing) - Are you interested in Moderate pleasures such as touching and oral play with others, and anything else short of intercourse with someone other than your partner?

Wild (full swap) - Are you interested in Wild pleasures such as having sex with someone other than your partner?

I guess by that definition, everyone that goes to Hedo is a "tame" swinger at the very least.

**Whtzup** · 05-03-2010, 04:17 PM

Some can go from Tame to Soft by adding more Rum

**luvnlife_az** · 05-03-2010, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by CandG

Hi Luvnlife,
I didn't intend for this to be "directed at" anyone. It was just that a posting got me thinking about this. It may have been a posting of yours but I don't recall specifically. But I have read many postings that start out with "We're not swingers but..." My original posting was not meant to be critical in any way. As I said, it got me thinking and I thought it would be a good topic to discuss in this forum. I'm certainly not judging anyone, nor would I. God knows we wouldn't want to be judged for our actions! If what you are into as a couple works for you and doesn't harm anyone else, it's all good and I wish you much more of it. Respect.

CandG....no harm no foul.....just reading your original post made me think - hmmmm....so I just wanted to clarify where 'we' are at and see if some of you more experienced could enlighten us to see if what/how 'we' thought 'we' had/had not label ourselves was or was not correct - we are not swingers (hot, mild, soft, tame - but trust me, we love and appreciate you all!!!) and still do don't believe we would fit within the definition of lifestylers (again, I could be mistaken here)....

Let me end by saying.... great post to get a lot of people thinking and talking!!!

**NorthernBoy** · 05-03-2010, 05:15 PM

Originally Posted by Whtzup

Some can go from Tame to Soft by adding more Rum

And more rum... and the rest is Hedo history!

NB

**CandG** · 05-03-2010, 06:49 PM

Thanks for understanding that I meant no criticism by my posting. As to your question about "what you are", I guess that's more for you to decide than anyone else. When you say that you "do like the touch and feel of another woman", that implies that you have felt the touch and feel of another woman. I am certainly not an expert on who is a swinger (and I don't think I want to be), but it seems to me that if you and your husband were involved with another woman sexually that would put you somewhere along the Lifestyle spectrum. But again, just my opinion.

Originally Posted by luvnlife_az

Since I feel some of this may be directed at us (as the wording in the original post sounds alot like things that I have written)....here is where we stand - we like hanging out in the nude, we are a very sexual couple, like having sex whenever - where ever.... I think to a certain extent that sex in public is somewhat eroctic (as long as it does not offend anyone)....although I do like the touch and feel of another woman - we have no real desire to be with another couple (have no issues or problems with those that do, we just don't think it's right for us)....we have discussed this in great detail and each know what the other's comfort zone is.....
so can someone enlighten us and tell us what we are?