I think it's miscommunication and lack of definition. If someone asks you, "are you a swinger" I think many folks, myself included, might interpret that to mean, "Would you like to go back to our room and have sex?" And so the answer is no, because even if they are a swinger in some way, that's not included in their interest area, and they don't want to hurt any feelings.
Maybe someone, somewhere, has a good set of definitions and lingo for this. If so, I'd love to see it, and to have it be more prominently communicated. MarineMatt mentions soft swinger, a term I've heard before, but defined a number of different ways, everything from "only playful in the nude pool" to "everything but intercourse" and who knows how many other definitions it might have. I imagine this might be particularly difficult if a couple only ever does these kinds of things at hedo, and doesn't tell people back home where they go. Their limited exposure to the swinging community only makes it worse.
So, is there a good manual out there for (non-)swingers?
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